Sour the Milk!
One could also wonder if the abuse is a way to keep others away, thus avoiding any real intimacy, perhaps because they never had any when they were children... The abusive behavior has a goal, a purpose...to control, to dominate and to get one's way. Whenever it works and the goal is achieved the system is reinforced and recognized as effective! If the other person resists, new and more coersive methods of control may be used. So what is one to do? Caving in reinforces the abuse and countering it ups the ante with a risk of violence ... Should one simply surrender or fight back? Do neither!!! You cannot control whether or not the other behaves abusively or not but you can decide how YOU behave!!! Sour the milk...the abuser is psychologically dependent on you to meet their needs and like a toddler in the terrible twos, when they are hungry and needy they scream for the bottle of milk...so sour the milk, offer choices, insist on respect and politeness, be prepared to walk away from the situation until the other is able to control his or her behavior... The Abuser attempts to raise his or her self-esteem by using controlling and abusive behaviors which decrease the other person's self-esteem. Do not try to rescue the controller yourself from their poor self-esteem problem.... ask the person to find a therapist or a counselor. Call a domestic violence hotline number for referral sources for yourself and for the perpetrator of the abuse. Most abusers resist getting professional help very strongly although some may attempt to manipulate the therapist to their advantage and sometimes succeed in this. If in doubt get a second opinion!! Again I cannot stress enough how important it is to reestablish your own self esteem and stand by your feelings, thoughts, perceptions and basic personal rights and do whatever it takes to NOT ALLOW the abuser to erode those boundaries any more. Do not however resort to violence yourself, except in self defense. Debates and Arguments
Intellectual pseudo-logical explanations
A statement such as "you need to go to counseling for your problem" will probably get you into a debate or worse. If you said "Your behavior hurt me or offended me or caused me displeasure", there is no debate possible. More examples: "I do not like being yelled at" versus "you always yell at me". "I am uncomfortable with this arrangement" "I do not enjoy doing this. I do enjoy doing....." This example illustrates another point... choices. Abuse takes away choices from people, love gives choices. Offering choices, suggesting alternatives can empower the abuser. I know this is counter-intuitive but as explained above, abusers are really powerless and depend on others for their needs and avoidance of anxiety and upsetness. Empowering them offers them ways to meet their needs without outside help, and offers them ways to cope. Abuse is a tool for the abuser and it will be used unless other tools are given to them that will get their needs met or make their needs less important. Healthy vs Abusive Relationships red flags of an abusive relationship 10 ways to secure unhappiness in a relationship
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© Copyright 1995-2004
Robert Shubinski, MD ; All rights reserved.