Abuse in my opinion is characterized by a pattern of violence, threats, guilt trips and other coersive, manipulative maneuvers designed to control the other person... Control can be hard to spot and is subtle at times, as controlling persons are often on the surface suave and seductive individuals who seemingly display kindness, attention, generosity in public, however these are not heartfelt genuine gestures but rather are tactics or strategies to control and dominate the other person. The abused person's self esteem can become shattered due to the sharp contrast between the public facade the abuser portrays to friends, family and at work and the private life where the abused person's self esteem is attacked systematically and methodically in order to maintain control and dominance by the abuser. Honeymoon phases with promises to change by the abuser often leave the abused person clinging to hope that the seemingly positive charming side of the abuser will win out in the end, and this will be the end of the abuse and excuses and rationalizations take over setting the stage for more bad behavior from the abuser in the near future. Abuse violates a person's set of personal boundaries or limits ....not taking no for an answer...and/or inappropriate use of personal power on another person. Imagine a person invited into your home who refuses to leave... you are saying no you cannot stay here and the person does not take no for an answer. Or imagine a burglar breaking into your home, invading your privacy, violating your property... and using force to do it...such is the case of using power on another person. Control takes away freedom of choice from the other... the abused person's boundaries are no longer freely chosen, new limits are imposed and and the person becomes fenced in so to speak by the controller, resulting in a loss of personal freedom and personal power.
When a person takes advantage of their personal power to control a person, it is almost always abusive. Almost always? Control is a patternistic behavior with an agenda. All of us in the process of living or working together may hurt inadvertanly another person or neglect to realize how something we say or do impacts another person. A non-abusive person remedies these situations, learns from them and does not exploit them in a repetitive pattern to get his or her needs met at the detriment or harm of the other person. Abuse starts small and gets worse over a period of time such that the abused person finds him or herself in a situation they never would have thought possible and often have so much invested in the relationship that getting away is not as easy as it sounds.... more on this later.
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Robert Shubinski, MD ; All rights reserved.